S3 E20 A Frog, an Ocean, and Your WELL Being

SPEAKER_01 0:11

Good evening and welcome to the Comforting Voice podcast. I'm your host Shastray, and I'm joined in the studio tonight by Baxter the Cockatiel. He's clinging to my knee right now, and the giant dog is just outside the studio door. He's asleep doing his big dog, old dog thing, and breathing loudly. Emmy the mini macaw was busy eating an apple, so I just thought I would let her have her apple. And Murray was he was out of control and I just didn't feel like chasing him around the studio. So here we are with Baxter. It's always good to spend time with the little guy. He is just an amazing little friend. Okay, I have a lot for you guys tonight. So actually, since this is kind of a special episode and a special presentation, it was actually a request. So we'll get into that, but let's get you relaxed first. So you kinda know the drill, but it's why we're all here. It's to relax and offload a little stress. So before we get going on the episode, get comfortable, settle in. If you're just gonna kick back and hang out with me, make sure you've got your hot cup of tea, maybe a cup of coffee, whatever it is. Hey, maybe it's the end of a long day and you're drinking a glass of wine. Whatever it is that you want to do, do that. If you're here to fall asleep, get cozy, get comfortable, make sure you've got everything you need, bottle of water, teddy bear, mush your pillow into the right shape so you're really comfortable. Whatever the case, give yourself a stretch. Reach through your arms, your legs, and then wiggle those fingers and toes and release that stretch. You can even do that a couple times. Do it how it works best for you, but engage those muscles in a good stretch and then release that stretch. I always like to add the fingers and toes, wiggle that because it really does a crazy instant thing for offloading some stress. And then you release that stretch and go into a couple good productive deep breaths. You want to inhale to about the count of four, hold it to about the count of four, and then exhale just a little bit slower, about the count of six. You're gonna set yourself up for a restful night's sleep, and you're gonna wake up feeling amazing tomorrow. That's all there is to it. Yep. And you can actually do that any time of the day if you're feeling stress building up, some tension, anxiety, any of that. Go through that sequence, even if you're not planning on taking a nap or sleeping. It's really good for kind of disrupting the thought process in the moment. It does a body good. Alright, another thing that does a body good is a tea tag and a fortune cookie slip. And there's no pickle chicken here to attack anything. So let's see what that is tonight. Okay, your tea tag. Empty yourself and let the universe fill you. And your fortune cookie slip. You will be fortunate in the opportunities presented to you. Congratulations, that's awesome news. And your lucky numbers off the back of the fortune cookie slip. Two, fourteen, sixteen, twenty-three, twenty-nine, and forty-one. Good luck if you play any kind of number games or the lottery or whatever. I hope you win big, or at least win something. We'll put that in the archive receptacle. There we go. Okay. Now, just for this week, we're gonna just bypass join the fun. We're gonna have a little bit extra long episode, so I want to make sure we have room for it all. And we will be back with Join the Fun next Tuesday. Plenty more countries to go through. So we will hit the next three countries of our listener base location list next Tuesday. So what about this crazy episode title A Frog? What are you talking about, Shasta? Okay. Like I said, we had a special request, and the world is just crazy right now. So we had a special request for content, and it kind of is dealing with how to deal with the attitudes out there right now. People are just out to prove each other wrong, everyone's nasty to each other, even when people are nice to you, sometimes they're nasty to you, and I have an anecdote for that. Oh my gosh. So I had some examples going on in my life. I sent Lon a text, we bantered back and forth, and I said, you know, there is something you put on Facebook a long time ago. I have kept that in my hip pocket all these years, and it has really helped me out with my perspective. I think it's time we dust that one off and do an episode. So this is a collaborative effort between Lon and myself deliberately. He has his own angle, and then I have a really great angle for you. Same thing, and hopefully by the end of this, you're gonna have some great perspective, some sanity savers, and we're gonna put a smile on your face, a bounce in your step, and you're gonna be able to shrug off about 90% of what people out there are just toiling and fighting about. And oh my gosh, you're gonna have the tools you need. And I do think it's important to state at this point that Lon and I are not experts, right? We're not well trained in the art of psychology or anything like that, but we do have a lot of miles on our shoes, and we've had a lot of experiences, and we always strive to try to make our lives better for ourselves and be a great example to everyone else. So this is some stuff that works for us, and you know, we hope it helps you too. Now, if you've got any ideas for content that you'd like us to touch on, comfortingvoice.com. I have a contact form there, and you can just fill that out, or you can leave us a voicemail with the little microphone icon. If you're on your phone or a tablet or a laptop that has a microphone in it, you can leave us a voicemail. It's all done on the internet, doesn't cost you a dime, and don't forget to surf around while you're there too. And I'll put the link down in the show description so you don't forget. But easy to remember, comfortingvoice.com. There you go. So I'm gonna turn this over to Lawn so you can hang out with him for a few minutes, and then I'm gonna swing back around and I'm gonna touch on this particular topic in my own way, and I think you're gonna have a good time hanging out with us tonight. Lawn, take it away.

SPEAKER_00 7:19

Hey, it's Lawn. Welcome to my little Arbor Alley. We have a rectangular property here in the southwest, and I am hanging out there next to a little tiny fountain, uh, chihuahua on my lap, about a foot of sun expected today. Just a nice just a nice day. And with that I thought I'd record out here, and maybe that'll help you relax a little bit as well. I'm going to touch on perspectives. Ancient writings of a Chinese philosopher near 300 BCE produced a long-term tenet of mine dealing with perspectives. It is, you cannot speak of the ocean to a well frog. Touching on both sides of that thought, an example. Some of us may not fathom the idea of simple tech, easily scrolling through endless favorite influenced shorts, learning from instruction sharing videos, albums of picks taken in a heartbeat on handhelds, endless choices of streaming, for example, audio, visual of every single flavor, even catching screenshots of, well, pretty much anything, and turning turning that into a successful instant purchase dropped at your door with a click. Others, well, they may not wrap their head around entering large pre-digital age stores, a newsland of printed media and sources of hard copy music, wafting odors, even, and a flood of visuals assault the senses. Newspapers from around the globe, LPs, cassettes, product order catalogs were the thing where you could get mail and phone orders in, and they'd arrive at your door within about a week or so. There were piles of slick magazines and maps from the rest of the corners of the world. Basically the internet spread out on a sea of tables and racks over thousands of square feet. Simply put, same game, different playbooks and learning processes. One offers priceless, instant access to volumes of information, not a great deal of innovation or deep thought, but if used properly, unparalleled access to education. The other, equally priceless, that is, multi-sensory quests of different layers while accessorizing and exercising our creative and critical thinking. Again, different playbooks, different personal experiences, different perspectives based on them. Some of those perspectives are based entirely on opinions, and they can be unending. There will be those diligently, loudly sharing their distress and anxiety about every single subject and the quote evil other side while everyone around them is wrong. Every negative thing is someone else's fault for these people. These same people often ask an opinion not to learn from us, but for the sole purpose of changing our minds. And to those, distance yourself and whisper, you cannot speak of the ocean to a well frog. An ancient tale tells of the spirit of the river laughing for joy that all the beauty of the earth was gathered around him. Following the streams, he journeyed until he reached the ocean. There, seeing no limit to its diamond-crested waves, his perspective and attitude changed. Gazing over the endless expanse, he sighed and said to the spirit of the ocean, A proverb says that he who has hurt who has heard but part of the truth thinks no one equal to himself, and I am that one. The spirit of the ocean replied, You cannot speak of the ocean to a well frog, the creature of a narrower sphere. It has no understanding. And you cannot speak of ice to a summer insect, the creature of a single season. You can't speak of the universe to one whose scope is too restricted. But when you emerge from your own narrow sphere and have seen the great ocean, you know your own insignificance and can learn of greater things. All streams pour into the ocean without cease. Yet it does not overflow. Floods and drought. Equally, no change at all, and thus it is immeasurably superior to mere rivers and brooks. Though there is no boasting on this account, for all things get shape from the universe. Vital power from the push and pull, the light and dark. Any of us but a small stone or a small tree on a vast mountain. If we regard greatness as compared with that which is small, said the spirit of the ocean, there is no limit to it. And if we regard the smallness as compared with that which is great, it eludes our sight. Individual perspectives without open expanded views. You cannot speak of the ocean to a well frog. A growing thoughtful person does not injure others with unbending my way or no way mentality, does not take credit for charity and mercy, doesn't seek gain, but also doesn't despise those who do. In a world of challenges, the thoughtful one takes no credit for strong self-reliance, but doesn't despise those who seek help through friends. When met with, that's just the way it is. So remain aware, true to the tenets you hold close, practice the cessation of acting by reflex, the need to educate others beyond what actually involves your further rising up. That is not your path. Do this often. Take a deep cleansing breath. Hold for a moment and repeat You cannot speak of the ocean to a well frog. Thrive.

SPEAKER_01 14:45

Wow, that was a lot. You can tell he's passionate about this topic. And like I said, I saw him post that little proverb a number of years ago on Facebook, and I've just kept it with me all this time. It has been such simple to understand perspective. And yeah, you cannot speak of the ocean to a well frog. You cannot speak of ice to a summertime insect. I mean, it doesn't get much more clear than that, does it? So what does this mean to me? Well, let's unpack this. So picture a frog. It's living its entire life at the bottom of a well. And it's not a bad frog. It's not even a dumb frog. It's not a frog with bad intentions. It's just a well frog. The well is its whole world. The sky is a small circle above it, and the ocean to that frog is whatever rainwater trickles down the walls. So then imagine you stumble across this frog. You've been to the coast, you've been to another coast, maybe you've been to other countries and flown over oceans. Maybe you've swam in the oceans. Maybe you've stood where the water goes all the way to the horizon, you've heard the waves, you've had a picnic lunch on the beach until well after the sunsets. Maybe you've had boat rides. How do you describe that to that frog? The frog is not being difficult, he can't picture it. He has no frame of reference, no mental file folder for what ocean means. Its whole reality is that well. And like I said, for it, the ocean is just a hard rainstorm dumping water into that well. So it's really sometimes things aren't necessarily about intelligence, it's about experience and perspective. And that's a very, very important distinction to make. So why does this hit home right now? We're living in a time of massive division, and it's exhausting. Politics, lifestyle choices, geography, how you were raised, your religion, where you grew up, how your parents grew up, all these create invisible walls that wedge themselves between people. And here's something I've been sitting with lately. Some of the people we love most, these could be old friends, family members, maybe old coworkers. Sometimes they seem like they're against us, but they're not. They're just living in their version of a well. And we may be living in a very different type of well. We may be long past the well. We could have crawled up out of that well years ago. So I've run into this in recent months, and these are people I genuinely care about, and I love them and I will until the day I die. But sometimes simple conversations about day-to-day life sometimes starts feeling like a weird minefield, and you don't know why. So here's a really weird example. About, I don't know, six months or so ago, I was talking to an old friend from high school, and we were catching up on the phone. We hadn't talked in quite some time, and we're jabbering about this, that, and the other thing. And at some point in time, I was wearing a little headset with earbuds and a microphone so I could talk, you know, hands-free. And I was tidying up the kitchen and I did something, and they asked what that noise was. And I said, I'm just kind of multitasking right now. I'm cleaning up the kitchen, and I was just finishing uploading the dishwasher. And suddenly the energy changed. And this friend who's been here again, very close friend, years and years and years, decades. I can use the word decade with an S on the end. Judgment. Pure judgment. And I don't remember what was said. It was something like, I wash all my dishes by hand. You will never catch me using a dishwasher. That's irresponsible, it's unnecessary, and it's lazy. And I'm like blinking, my mind had to kind of reset, and I'm like, did I just get shamed for cleaning my kitchen? You know? But this person was raised very old school by very old school parents, and they still live very old school. So I had to remind myself in the moment, this isn't about dishes. This isn't about shaming me. It's a worldview, it's an upbringing, it's a set of values deeply embedded that's probably generational, and due to the area that this person is living, they're in a tiny little town, they have limited resources, it's a way of life for them. So no amount of me explaining how efficient my dishwasher is, that I use it only when it makes sense to, that I do some of my dishes by hand, nothing like that is gonna change their mind, it's not gonna move that goalpost. Nothing. The well frog cannot see my version of the ocean. Sometimes, something as simple as a dishwasher is an ocean. So I had to think about this and I got online and I was like, why does this happen? There has to be a why between because it happens so often with so many topics, from things in the news to beliefs, everything, right? I don't need to go in that, I'm sure you've got your own examples. But things get a little science-y, and it gets kind of interesting. See, our brains are pattern machines, and I've talked about this in the past. We make sense of new information by connecting it to things we've already experienced, things we already know. So if someone has never traveled and never experienced another culture, never left their hometown, their mind has a smaller map to work with. It's not an insult, it's nothing against them, and it doesn't mean they're less intelligent, it just means that their pasts are very limited, and without those extra experiences, they can't relate the same way. That's neuroscience. So when you describe something outside of that map, their brain doesn't really have a way to file that. And sometimes when we feel confused or out of our depth, we default to judgment as a defense mechanism because it feels like you're more in control of. And that's what we kind of do as humans, I guess. So their mind will kind of take a direction of I don't understand it, it's probably wrong. It's not always about being closed-minded on purpose. Sometimes it's just the brain protecting itself from discomfort or from the unknown. And that's a natural response. Understanding this can change everything for you, though. So if you can grasp this, this will open up oceans for you. When someone pushes back with judgment instead of curiosity, you recognize it for what it is, and you can understand it's not an attack on you. It's just a limitation of their experiences, their map. Now that we know why it happens, what do you do with it? What do you do in the moment? It's very easy for us to get defensive. We'd do the same thing because we're human, right? So try to just take a second and look at it with a little bit of an internal chuckle. You don't need to laugh at the person, but find the humor in it for your own sake. So you're not mocking them. Just give yourself that private recognition of, oh, we're having a well frog moment here. And sometimes that's just going to give you enough emotional distance that you don't get pulled into the undertow if they're getting defensive or they got walls up all of a sudden, kind of like my friend. For whatever reason, dishwashers are offensive. And I mentioned I'm loading a dishwasher, suddenly the tone changed. So instead of reacting back, which is kind of a natural thing, you just think, well, there's a reason for it. It's probably limitations. That's that's what they're capable of. That's where their perspective is. And and you know what, guys? That's okay. You don't have to fight for airspace in a conversation. And if things start feeling prickly like that, it's okay to find words such as oh well, hey, to each their own. Hey, how's your garden doing? You know, try change the subject, turn it to something positive. Something that you know that's gonna light them up, distract them with it. Or you might want to say, Hey, that's fair. You know, speaking of which, and here again, find a reason to switch the the conversation into a better direction. It doesn't mean you're agreeing with them. It just means you're not backing down from who you are, you're steering the ship away from rocks. And that's wisdom, not weakness. Understand sometimes there's a lot of value in not trying to push your opinion on them and force a square peg into a round hole. Just be okay with knowing what you know and letting them have their perspective on that. It's okay. Let the silence be okay. Not every statement that somebody makes requires a rebuttal, and if you have a difference of opinions, it doesn't mean that it's a bad thing, it doesn't mean that you're wrong, doesn't mean that they're right. It just means that you have a different perspective, and you have a difference in your pasts, your experiences, and you know, maybe there's stuff you don't even know about that person. Sometimes you can just raise your eyebrow, give them a smile, say, Oh wow, that's interesting, I never thought of it that way. Move on. Ultimately, you don't owe anyone a debate about your dishwasher, or your choices, or your life, or the subject at hand. You see where I'm going with that. And then for those big conversations, the ones that start veering into territory that feels divisive or too heavy, you know what I'm talking about, we've all had those two. Find another response that works, and maybe it's something that sounds like, hey, you know, I hear ya, I understand. I'm coming at it from a different angle, but I totally respect where you're at with this. You may also have to consider something like, hey, you know what? I care about you too much to argue about this. Hey, we see this one differently, and that's okay. See, these lines do a couple of things. They close a loop and they leave the other person's dignity intact. Nobody loses, and nobody's the villain. And then let's talk about the hard stuff. Like when it's okay to pull back or even walk away from someone like that. So this is the stuff that nobody really wants to talk about, and it is okay to create distance from relationships that totally drain and diminish you. There's a difference between a well frog moment and a pattern of behavior. Like in the comment about a dishwasher, I was able to chuckle, move on. It's just life, it's not worth being combative about it, there's no point, right? But if you find that in every conversation, every story about your life, everything you experience that you try to share, it's all getting met with judgment, shame, one up kind of games. That's a pattern. Patterns deserve attention. So make sure you can distinguish the difference between that. It's very important. Some stuff just might be quirky and unique to that person's limited experiences, and other things might be signs of a bigger, more toxic pattern. And that's okay. Learn how to tell the difference and try to do so without hard judgment on the person. Pulling back from a friendship or relationship is not necessarily abandoning someone, it's not being elitist, and it's not thinking that you're better than them. It's recognizing that some connections in their current state of form are costing you more than they're giving you, and that's allowed to matter. You can love someone and love them from a comfortable distance. You can love someone and recognize boundaries. You can wish someone well and not subject yourself to their limitations on a constant basis. Compassion includes compassion for yourself. If it starts feeling disrespectful, that's probably your indicator. And here again, you can pull back from that and not be combative about it. Just understand that you're never gonna meet eye to eye and it's probably not worth the energy to dump in when you're not gonna change their opinion. And the big picture here and why this matters beyond just friendships. It just seems like we're living in a point in time in history where people are being pulled into this idea that you have to force your opinion on others and convert others. We have to convert political views, we have to convert lifestyles, we have to convert religions, we have to convert to our way of doing the dishes. And really that makes everyone miserable. We're not identical, we're all unique. We're all individuals. So hang on to this. When you run into those well frogs, you can't speak of the ocean to it, nor can you go get the ocean and dump it into the well. It just isn't your job and it won't work. Your job is to live a life that feels true to you. Your job is to move through the world with curiosity and openness and let people be where they need to be. The most peaceful people you're ever gonna meet are not the ones who win every argument or are determined to be right all the time. They're the ones who stop needing to be that way. And there's something incredibly freeing about deciding I'm not gonna try to force everyone to see what I see. I'm just gonna keep looking at that ocean. And at the heart of it all, the well frog is not your enemy. The well frog has its own life, the well frog has its own valid experiences, and it has its own little tiny sky that it looks up at every day. It has its own idea of what the ocean probably is. Whether that's what we know it to be or not, let that well frog have its own opinion. Some of the most content creatures are the ones who have never left the well, because they never needed to. Maybe that's their safety place. Maybe that limited experienced life is where they're happiest and that's all they need. When we can look at someone who frustrates us and genuinely think, well, they're in a different world than me, they have a different perspective, and that's okay. That's when you take your power back. Stop being reactive, you're gonna stop being hurt. Stop being reactive, you're not gonna be angry. And stop trying to drag people to the shoreline. We get to walk to that shoreline anytime we want. We can stand there, we can take in the scene, we can breathe in that air, and when that well frog is ready and curious enough, it's gonna get itself out of the well. It's gonna venture past the well, it's gonna go find the ocean, stand there, take in the whole beauty of it, breathe in the air, and then you'll be ready for those conversations, and they'll be healthy at that time. Some people never get there, and that's okay. Love them for who they are. And if it's not your thing and if it's too frustrating and too hard, find a way to love them from afar and be okay with that. And I think that's all I've got for you tonight. A little bit of frog wisdom, a little bit of dishwasher drama, and hopefully some perspective that you can stick into your back pocket for the next time someone's frustrating you, maybe it'll give you some perspective that'll save your sanity and save the friendship. Just remember, you don't have to win. You don't have to convince. If someone's not ready to take in what you want to offer them, they're not gonna. You don't have to stay in conversations that shrink you because they're getting defensive about it too often. Just know that you can smile, redirect, and go back to your ocean where you have more fun splashing around. Alright, that's all I got for you. I'm gonna catch you back here on Friday for the continuation of our bedtime story extravaganza. And until then, sleep tight, good night, and bye-bye.