S3 E50 You're Not Crazy and It's Not Personal - More Sanity Savers!!

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Hello, Podcast Land. Welcome to the Comforting Voice Podcast. I'm your host, Shasta Ray, and tonight's a very special episode. It's kind of a weird one. It's kind of a normal one. It's a little bit of everything all rolled up into one, and it's a continuation of last Tuesday. So yeah, kind of weird. Anyway, glad you're here. It's just you and me in the studio tonight. Uh Emmy is afraid of my shirt. Sometimes birds get really weird because they don't like the clothing you're wearing, and she's never really seen me wear patterns and colors. So they can be freaked out over just that much. The cockatiels are causing trouble. I locked them in the bird room with a new toy and some food with the budgies, and they're all watching TV, so it's all good. And the giant dog, last I saw, he was upstairs sleeping in a pool of his own slobber. So yeah, just you and me tonight, and let's just get you off to a good start with your sleep prep. We'll run through it really quick. We'll go through all the normal stuff. We're gonna do some stuff a little backwards, we're gonna have some rerun action right in the middle of it all, not much. And whiz past some milestones and then on to the content, which is a part two to last week. A little of everything. Talk about a variety show. That's what we got tonight. So, here again, let's go through your sleep prep. Hopefully, you're all comfortable already, you've got your feet up, you're in that sweet spot position you're gonna fall asleep to, or you're just gonna chill for a while, whatever the case. I hope you've got your beverage of choice right where you can reach it. Listening device set at that perfect volume for you for the moment. And when you're ready, reach into an amazing stretch. Just reach into your arms, your legs, feet, hands, fingers, toes, you know the drill. Once you're engaged in that stretch, wiggle your fingers and toes really good and release that stretch. Oh my gosh, that feels good. Wow. Alright, follow that up with a good, productive, deep breath of air. Inhale to about the count of four, hold it to about the count of three, top it off with another quick little inhale, hold it for another count or two, and then if you can exhale through your teeth like a hissing noise, to about the count of eight, that's perfect. Perfect. Between those two actions, you should be good to go. You can do more if you want, you can mix and match, start with the air, end with the stretch, whatever works for you. That's the beauty of that system. Oh wow. All right. And have you checked out the website? comfortingvoice.com. Everything you need is right there. If you go to the episode button, you're gonna drop down, and I've got some uh playlist action going on so you can binge listen books, fan favorites, that sort of thing. Good place to be. Uh the Thrive Shop is gonna be changing radically very soon, so be aware of that. So beyond all of that, I guess we're good to go on Tuesday. What do you think? Okay. One of my favorite things about Tuesday is our join the fun segment. I s I randomly select three countries from our listener base and we do a little salute and we learn about each other this way. It's a fun time. Join the fun. And tonight we're kicking off join the fun with Malaysia. Malaysia is one of the world's great food crossroads. Malay, Chinese, Indian, and indigenous influences have all shaped its cuisine, creating an astonishing variety of dishes in one country. Malaysia is one of the world's major producers of rubber, and the rubber tree itself originally came from South America before being brought to Southeast Asia. Malaysia is one of the few countries divided into two major sections by the South China Sea, with part of the country on the Asian mainland and part on the island of Borino. Did I say that right, Borino? So if you're joining the fund from Malaysia, you represent variety, adaptability, and the wonderful idea that different influences can come together and create something entirely on their own. Next on the list is Mauritius. Mauritius was home to the dodo bird, the famous flightless bird that disappeared in the late 1600s. Today the dodo remains one of the world's most recognizable symbols of an extinct species, and for those of you that don't know, the dodo bird was a type of dove. Mauritius is unusual because its population is made up of people with African, Indian, Chinese, and European ancestry, creating one of the world's most culturally diverse island societies. Mauritius has no official language. English is used for government, while French and Mauritian Creole are widely spoken in everyday life. So if you're joining the fund from Mauritius, you represent diversity, adaptability, and a little island that became a meeting place for people and cultures from around the world. And last on our list is the Russian Federation, also known as Russia. Russia is so enormous that it stretches across 11 time zones. When people in one part of the country are starting their morning, people thousands of miles away are already getting ready for bed. Russia has more fresh water than almost any other country, including Lake Bakal. Did I say that right? Bakal, which contains roughly 20% of the world's unfrozen surface freshwater. Russia is home to an astonishing variety of landscapes, including Arctic coastline, forests, grasslands, mountains, and enormous stretches of open wilderness. So if you're joining the fun from Russia, you represent enormous horizons, extraordinary variety, and a country whose sheer scale is almost difficult to imagine. Okay. Now tonight, really quick, we're just going to do a fast little drive-by on the listener-based salute, kind of an extension to join the fun. And don't forget about our join the fun challenge. That's where you just tell people about the podcast. If you hear of someone looking for gentle, easy listening entertainment, they're looking for a podcast that doesn't have you know heavy content, politics, news, scary stories, everything that's popular and out there in abundance, make sure you mention it. And of course the website comfortingvoice.com. Part two of the Join the Fun Challenge is if you are listening on Apple Podcasts or on Spotify, both of those apps allow you to leave a comment on Spotify. I know it's per episode, and I I don't have iPhone technology, so I'm not exactly sure how it appears on that app, but you can leave a like and a friendly comment. That helps spread the word and get us seen because what it does is it signals the algorithms that people are listening and enjoying the show. So when others are searching for similar content in similar genres, it will suggest us to them. That's it. A simple flick of your thumb and it's done. Give us a like, give us a happy comment. Again, that's Apple Podcasts and Spotify. They have those. Okay. Moving right along, talking about join the fun. We have another brief, real quick, awesome recognition um milestone tonight. This is our 150th episode. That's crazy. I never thought I would take a podcast this far. Wow. And twice a week at that. So tonight is our last episode of season three, and Friday will be episode one of season four. Can you believe it? Wow, we just had a milestone. We just talked about how we crossed to 600 cities across the globe for the listener base, and we're well past that at this point in time. We have also crossed over 3,700 downloads. That's amazing. For as tiny as we are, we're growing and growing and growing like crazy. And let's just take a look at one or two more things here. Our current numbers, we have been heard in 98 different countries, and we are already up to 627 cities around the globe. It is gaining momentum. I love seeing the numbers, and I love hanging out with each and every one of you. And then back to those apps that we were just talking about. The number one app that you guys listen on is Apple Podcasts, and the second most popular is Spotify, followed by web browsers. Thank you so much for joining the fun. Don't forget to leave us a like or a friendly comment if you're listening on either of those two apps. And guess what? I don't even need to run down your favorite top 10 episodes. Head over to comfortingvoice.com, hit the episodes link, there's a drop down, and a fan favorites. You can listen to them all right there, and I'll probably be keeping that updated uh quarterly. Now, the end of any season, they always do reruns. Now I'm not going to play a whole episode back, but I am going to do a lawn rerun of last week because it was a little on the obscure side. I didn't get to all the content. So we're doing a part two tonight because I think it's very important. And I think what Lawn had to say was double important because not only when you're hunting for a job or you've got a sour workplace that you're in, you're not happy there, sometimes that the advice that he gave is going to help you out in other areas of life and it's going to do good things for you. So let's let's revisit Lon from last week where he's talking about gaslighting.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

Hey, it's Lon. Got a minute. It's that time again, and today I would like to speak with you about shutting down those coercive, manipulative gaslighting behaviors from other people. Behavioral research results shared on psychologytoday.com revealed one of the most effective ways to stop a manipulator is the use of a single phrase. That's interesting. Tell me more. Manipulative people thrive on emotional reactions, confusion, ambiguity. This simple phrase helps to neutralize that and change the balance of power in a conversation. With that phrase, that's interesting. You're acknowledging what's being said without actually validating or even challenging their claim. You're simply signaling, I heard you, I'm not rattled. This removes the emotional hook that many of the manipulators rely on. With the further phrase of tell me more, or variations like what makes you say that, what led you to say that, you're cutting away any confusion and the ambiguity part in favor of curiosity. Why questions can feel accusatory and often trigger defensiveness. Stick with the more open-toned what statements in order to keep the exchange from escalating. If you find yourself in situations where you're being gaslit, guilt tripped, or coerced, the best use for this simple phrase but subtly powerful phrase, if someone is indeed trying to gaslight you, it's when someone makes you question your memory or perception of reality. They might say, I never said that, you're remembering it wrong. You can reply, That's interesting. Tell me more about how you remember it, and follow it with, that's not how I recall. Let's ask someone else who was there. That works because you're not having to defend your memory in the moment. You invite the other person to clarify and provide detail. Gaslighting loses power when it has to stand on its own specifics. When someone has to explain their version clearly, inconsistencies often surface and the psychological pressure shifts off you and back onto the facts themselves. Now if someone is trying to guilt trip you, we have all been there. Someone uses obligation or emotion to pressure you. They might say, After everything I've done for you, this is how you repay me. The reply again, that's interesting. What makes you say that? And a follow-up, you know, I appreciate what you've done, and this is still my decision. Or I can care about you but still choose differently. This works because the focus shifts from your supposed guilt to their reasoning. When you ask them to explain their logic and explain themselves, the emotional pressure and leverage often weakens. Coercion Subtle coercion shows up when a manipulator ties cooperation to your loyalty or care. They might say, If you really cared, you'd agree with me. The reply again, that's interesting. What makes you think that? Caring doesn't always mean we have to agree on everything. Or I can care and still see it differently. This detaches your value from their request. You're not arguing about whether you care, you're asking how they arrived at their conclusion. That creates psychological space, and that's when manipulation loses traction. Manipulators rely on emotional reactions. The moment you slow the exchange down and get curious, that leverage weakens. Calm questions protect your clarity and your boundaries, and it shifts conversations towards facts instead of feelings. In difficult conversations, composure is often more powerful than confrontation. Thrive.

SPEAKER_00 15:56

Awesome stuff, awesome stuff. Now, like I said, I didn't get it, I didn't get into it last week, but this happens in the workplace a lot. We're gonna talk about it tonight. And like I said, we're doing a continuation, and it's gonna be more of surviving the workplace without losing your mind, you know. And last week it was the job hunt. I'm gonna mention that a little bit. But even if you land a job or you're in a job you don't like, or things are kind of rocky in some way, this is for you, or if you've got a friend in that situation, this is for them. Hey, that plays into join the fun, right? Oh my gosh. Okay, and then we're gonna revisit yep, the tea tag and fortune cookie slip drama from last week, because it really did play into this in an amazing way. I'm gonna actually pull that out of the archive receptacle, the first on the comforting voice. Alright. No crazy bird to get in the way, an attack. We're good to go. And we're gonna do the backwards thing of the tea tag and fortune cookie slip at the end of the episode. Okay. So, oh my gosh, how many of you out there are are suffering the effects of a rotten job, unemployment, inadequate employment? You're getting tired, burned out. It just seems to be the same old thing. Wow. So last week we talked about finding work later in life and finding a better job, what to do when you feel trapped. Tonight we're taking it a step further. How do you protect yourself when you're actually in the workplace? Because sometimes the problem isn't the job itself, it's the management, the culture, the favoritism, the drama, or that strange situation where you start wondering, am I imagining this? Or is there something wrong going on here? And that's where the reprise of Lon's discussion about gaslighting comes in. Gaslighting at work can be especially confusing because you're gonna start questioning your own memory, your judgment, if something is actually happening the way you you remember it. And sometimes it's gonna happen with people you're supposed to be able to trust, like your management, upper management, etc. So the goal tonight it's not to become paranoid about your workplace. It's about becoming observant. It's about being fair, it's about being prepared just in case. And we're gonna go over some of this because I think there's value in distinguishing the difference between protecting yourself and turning yourself into some kind of office detective that nobody wants to sit next to, or that obnoxious twit that nobody likes, right? So we're gonna we're gonna talk about a bunch of stuff that's gonna keep balance, sanity, and perspective. There's that perspective word again. Okay, so let's get started on the gaslighting portion of this. A few things gaslighting in the workplace can sound like is that never happened, nobody told you that, you're misunderstanding, you're too sensitive, or suddenly insisting that something was completely different from what you remember. Don't forget that just one incident, or sometimes even two over time, it doesn't necessarily mean you're being gaslit. Sometimes people genuinely forget things, maybe they're the ones that misunderstood, sometimes they remember events differently. And what you need to look for are patterns rather than immediately assigning a label and keeping it there from one incident. There's a difference. So if you repeatedly find yourself being told that conversations, instructions, promises, incidents never happened, especially when you have good reason to believe otherwise or remember otherwise, that's when keeping your own fact record becomes very useful and it goes into journaling. You can do that with a notebook. And remember, you don't need to win an argument about what happened. Don't let it turn into a I said, you said match. Sometimes the smartest response is simply to quietly document things and just continue doing your job. Okay. When problems appear, that's when you want to start journaling stuff. And um here again, just run out to the dollar store, go to Walmart, grab a notebook, grab a composition notebook. You can even do an online journal, uh, keep record of it that way. But um do something that you have a copy of that work cannot in some fashion delete on you. So keep it in your possession. So the time to start a simple journal is if something just starts feeling wrong. You're gonna want to put the date, the approximate time, what happened, who was present, what was said or done, and maybe what happened afterwards as a result. Make sure you record your facts. You can follow up with feelings afterwards. Again, be fair in your notes. Don't just simply write stuff because you're mad in the moment. You know, my manager is a jerk. You want to write something more in the direction of the time, so like 2 15 p.m., the date, the person's name, were they your manager, coworker? You might want to note that. What happened, if something specifically was said, write that down if it's if it's important to the matter. And after all of the facts, here again, that's when you can write how it made you feel or how it affected you personally. But make sure it doesn't turn into like a complain fest. And that can be a fine line, right? You don't want to be someone who's just whining over everything and anything. Make sure this is something that truly wasn't fair. Record boring stuff. If your manager gives you an instruction, you complete it, and then you're criticized for it, that's potentially important context. Make sure there's patterns present and make sure it goes out of context of the instructions you're given. Do not turn a journal into a running prosecution brief. Just remember you're documenting experiences and you're not building a fictional case. If you're wrong about something, write that down too. Honest records are far more useful than angry ones. And the reason I bring this up is because I have seen people gaslit. I have seen people written up unfairly. I have seen people written up and then not given copies of what they just signed and told that it's not corporate standard when it's a state law. I have seen people gaslit about certain rules in the workplace just to try to make them quit. And this was by management. So yeah, I've seen it. I've seen it done to others, I've seen it done in excess, and I've seen it done in multiple, multiple settings when favoritism came into play, or someone was buttonheads and they just wanted to shoe someone out of the company to be mean. So it happens. Thankfully, it does not happen in every company, but it does happen. So make sure you've got your own back. Start journaling stuff the day it happens and get all of the important information about each incident. If a workplace situation becomes serious enough to involve HR, unemployment, disciplinary dispute, or any formal process, your memory six months later may not be as reliable as a notebook. Especially if you're like, you know, I thought I started seeing something that started becoming unfair. That's why I started documenting stuff. Documentation is going to help you distinguish between, I feel like this keeps happening, and here are seven specific occasions over the last two months. It's going to save your sanity. You're going to see patterns easier that way. And make sure that you keep copies of everything that you are legally and legitimately allowed to retain, such as schedules, written instructions, pay information, policy documents, work communications. Don't assume that every company document is yours to take home, though. So make sure that you can legally keep what you're keeping. And remember, documentation isn't automatically about preparing for a fight. Sometimes writing things down simply helps you realize, okay, this really is a pattern. Or, wow, maybe this isn't as bad as I thought it was. Sometimes it gives you peace of mind, reality, and helps keep you grounded. And then here's another thing. Don't swing too hard in the opposite direction. And by that I mean don't turn into an HR nightmare with your documentation. You don't have to announce, I'm documenting this for legal purposes. That's a spectacular way to make everybody uncomfortable. Instead of doing that, what you want to do is just make professional follow-ups a habit. Hey, I'm confirming we're scheduled for Thursday at 10. You know, you're you're doing a confirmation, not a legal documentation accusation. Sometimes it's just your presentation. Sometimes you're going to want to say something like, hey, thanks for clarifying. I'm going to take care of X first and then move on to Z. And verbal clarification like that in the moment could save a lot of disputes later, right? Might save that space in your journal. Another follow-up statement you can say is, hey, I just wanted to make sure I understood the new procedure. Repeat stuff back here again. A short confirmation email can accomplish a lot without even beginning to sound confrontational. Sometimes you just want to make sure that everyone has the same understanding and you're on the same page and nothing gets forgotten. And sometimes putting something in writing now is going to solve the problem immediately. People may suddenly become much more precise when they have to put their instructions into an email. So when you ask for the clarification thing from a minute ago, try to get it in writing. They can't go back on their word that way either. So let's move on to how not to be an obnoxious twit in the workplace. You don't want to be obnoxious and you don't want to be a twit. You want to be a good worker. Here again, don't document every microscopic annoyance. Try not to let every little thing be a drama thing. So let's say your coworker took five minutes longer at lunch. Don't take it to HR and complain. You know, they could have had a flat tire or something. They could have been almost out of gas and had to stop and fill up. You don't know. They could have gotten an emergency phone call from home. They could have been running an errand for your supervisor. Don't constantly announce that you know your rights. Knowing your rights is good, but turning your lunch break into some sort of constitutional convention or training session is not going to improve your workplace experience or popularity. It just won't. And do not make the mistake of assuming that malicious intent is present when ordinary incompetence will explain it. Sometimes people screw up, sometimes they misunderstand, sometimes they forget. Here again, not every mistake by someone else is a personal attack on you, and not everything needs to go to HR. Just make sure it's it's not a pattern before you start making accusations. Sometimes things get annoying, just get past it. And here's one of the biggest biggest no-brainer rules you can keep for keeping the peace. Do your job, be reasonably pleasant, keep your own records, and don't participate in unnecessary drama. You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to. That's some awesome advice. And then moving right along, we're gonna talk about something that just it's a drag, okay? It is an uncomfortable truth, and it is about workplace loyalty. A lot of us older crowd, like we talked about last week, um, we grew up with the idea that if you were loyal to a company and you worked hard and you did a good job, the company would be loyal to you. And that relationship isn't nearly as dependable nowadays as it was back even 25 years ago. Companies restructure, they eliminate positions, they change management, they outsource work, they automate jobs, they relocate operations, and sometimes terminate good employees simply because numbers changed. It stopped being about loyalty and being about profits and profitability, and that's the honest to gosh truth. It doesn't mean you should become cynical or stop caring about your work, though. It means don't confuse employment with a lifelong personal relationship. You're there to provide something of value and receive income in return, and that's why you're there. Your employer is allowed to make business decisions, and you are also allowed to make career decisions. Looking for something better is not betrayal. It's employment and it's doing what's right for you and your family. And here's something we never want to hear, but we need to talk about. Coworkers don't have to become your best friends. You can get along wonderfully with your coworkers without expecting them to become your personal support system. Sometimes you make lifelong friends at work, and that's awesome when it happens, but it isn't a requirement. And don't forget, everyone there has their own life, their own problems, their own ambitions, and their own paycheck to worry about. You don't have to know everybody's personal business, and they don't need to know yours. Professional relationships can actually be very comfortable. You can be friendly, helpful, funny, cooperative, all the good stuff, and still maintain privacy and distance, and keep that workplace relationship as a workplace relationship, and don't let the lines of personal and work cross. Go home when it's time to go home, be at work when it's time to be at work. And what if a coworker isn't interested in being your personal friend? Don't take it personally. They may simply have the same mindset we just talked about. I'm here to do my job, collect my check, go home, and not take work home with me, not bring home to work with me. And some people just operate that way. But also we have to talk about not taking it personally. We'll do a part two. Your boss may be having a bad day, but that doesn't mean they hate you. Your coworker being quiet doesn't necessarily mean they're angry with you. Don't take it personal. Try to separate your work behavior from your personal worth. You can be a perfectly good employee and still have someone who doesn't really like you. Sometimes it's just not about being liked. And you're not gonna like everyone else either sometimes. You don't need universal approval. In fact, trying to make everyone like you in a workplace can be more stressful than it needs to be. Try to have the mindset of I do good work, I treat people well, people know they can count on me, and I go home knowing I earned my paycheck. And that's the mindset that's gonna really win in the long run. Now let's talk about some of the big things really quick, and we'll try to keep this really quick. Just know there's a big difference between having an irritating coworker and experiencing a genuine workplace problem. Not every unpleasant interaction requires escalation. And then pay attention to patterns, especially if they involve harassment, discrimination, retaliation, threats, deliberately falsified records, unsafe conditions, or dramatically different treatment compared with others. And if something serious happens, slow down before reacting emotionally. Write down what happened while it's fresh, preserve relevant circumstances, data, and review the actual workplace policies that apply before you jump to conclusions. If you eventually need to escalate something, specific facts are your friend. Don't write, my boss hates me. You can't really establish that. You need to write, on August 12th at noon, I was instructed to do whatever the task was by whoever said to do it, and I was disciplined for doing it. This gives you something concrete to be investigated. And hand in hand with that, again, try to get your tasks outlined in writing. The big picture is you don't have to love your coworkers, worship your employer, or be best friends with management. You just need a workable, professional relationship. You don't have to react to every slight, every bad mood, or every stupid thing somebody says. You can protect yourself without becoming paranoid, you can document problems without becoming obnoxious, and you can maintain professional boundaries without becoming cold. If a workplace is genuinely toxic, remember what we talked about last week. You can keep looking. You don't have to stay there. You're not trapped. Your current workplace is a chapter in your employment history, not a declaration of how the rest of your working life has to go. A few closing thoughts. Sometimes surviving the workplace isn't about fixing the workplace, sometimes it's about protecting your peace while you figure out your next move. Keep your expectations realistic, your employer is not your family, your coworkers aren't required to be your friends, and your boss isn't required to validate your worth. But at the same time, you deserve to be treated with professionalism and respect. Those are not unreasonable expectations. And if something goes wrong, don't panic and don't immediately assume you're crazy. Pay attention, write it down, be fair, keep doing your job, protect yourself, and keep your eyes open for that next open door. One thing that I thought of through all of this presentation is especially at my age, all of those old sitcoms, movies, TV drama shows, everything out there shows a bunch of people in the workplace, you know, and their buddies, really old sitcoms, the best friends worked together, and then they were together all evening with their wives. And there was a lot of big gray area crossover in television, entertainment, movies, how things are presented, where you intermingle your life with your workplace. Remember, that's entertainment, that's a story. That may not reflect real life because it's entertainment. So another thing that I think is very easy, we have TV, we have movies, we have all of this in our home all the time. We're exposed to it, and it's a very, very common theme. And I think it's very easy for us to expect that our workplace relationships are going to cross over into real life and become best friends and stuff. So make sure you stay grounded on all that. Not everyone feels that way these days. It's very real. So let's go to our tea tag and our fortune cookie slip from last week, our second rerun for tonight, and I'll tell you why. Your tea tag last week, From a Small Seed, a Mighty Trunk May Grow. And that was a quote by Eschelus. And the reason that had particular symbolic reference, I felt, is if you are out there looking for a job, if you are trying to do something as a side gig, if you are trying to do something to generate money in some way. Everything you do, from your planning to your research to job applications, updating your resume, think of that as planting a seed that could grow into something. Look at it as possibilities. Not every possibility pans out, but by golly, one of them is gonna. So look at every action you do as planting a seed for your well-being and your future well-being. The fortune cookie slip said, never despair, but if you do, work on in despair. Recognize the despair. Are you in despair? Keep plugging forward and keep looking for that next opportunity. Think about it. Things that make us uncomfortable, we're supposed to move away from them, not stay there. So move away from what's making you uncomfortable, what's making you miserable, and start looking. Start planting those seeds. Now, for those of you who like to plant seeds by way of playing the lottery or number games, the numbers from the back of that fortune cookie slip 48, 34, 23, 8, 41, and 42. Alright, no beak to end dangerous. Going right back into the archive receptacle. There you go. Okay. This has been a fun one. It's been a long one. I am gonna leave you by saying I will see you Friday night for our vintage bedtime story. It's a mystery adventure with the Hardy Boys, chapter three. You don't wanna miss it. And until then, sleep tight, good night, and bye bye!